I have some important advice for tourists this Edinburgh Festival Fringe

On behalf of the locals, we’re delighted to host you again, this August 7-31, for the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

There’s just one problem, the city is ever so slightly broken. It’s a bit like when guests come over, and you’ve slept in, so you have to answer the door in your jammies, with a bedhead extraordinaire. We WERE expecting you, it’s just a few things have gone slightly wrong and we’re not quite ready.

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Can we do this next month instead? Nope? Okay then. We’ll break you in gently. Remember when we had you to stay a few years ago, and the bins weren’t being emptied and there were mountainous piles of coffee cups and half-chewed croissants everywhere? It’s a bit like that, except slightly worse.

We’ll give you some good news first. After an eight year restoration, the North Bridge is open. Someone has doodled on the fresh paintwork already, but, still, you don’t have to walk single file all the way along there anymore.

However, there was a teeny little fire on Princes Street - you know, the road that you prefer to call Princess Street - and the road is closed, which has thrown the transport system out of whack. The trams aren’t doing their usual route across town, so the buses are taking the strain, like donkeys up a Santorini hillside. It’s chaotic.

As you can tell, we’re feeling a bit stressed, so we’re going to have to ask for your best behaviour this year.

I know you’re paying your tourist tax now and that’s very kind, so, unless you really want us to, we swear not to soak you with water pistols, like the locals did in Barcelona.

However, we would like it if you’d follow the below rules. It’s only fair. We promise to do the same, if we ever come to visit you.

1 Don’t bumble around like this is your first day on Earth. The pavements are pretty narrow in the Capital. The winding streets and closes are part of its charm. However, beware of locals who aren’t on holiday time. Don’t spread your people across the entire width of the pavement, like a complete set of cards in Happy Families. Use your peripheral vision. See that sweaty and haggard lady, coming up in your rear view? That’s me, trying to get to an appointment on time. If your walking speed drops below half a mile per hour, move to the side. If you’ve got a giant rucksack, stay aware of your increased girth. Imagine that you are a turtle, not a snake.

2 Speak the lingo. It’s not Edin-boorg or Edin-borrow (it’s Edin-burra), Cock-burn Street (say Co-burn), or Princess Street (it’s Princes Street). Also, Edinburgers have their own language, called Edinborzogian. You just insert the word pal after every vowel. So, hello is he-pal-ll-pal-o. Easy. Try it.

3 Explore and discover, but don’t be a lemming. For instance, Stockbridge bakery Lannan is amazing, and joining the queue has become part of a trip to the Capital. However, why not go somewhere else? It’s liberating. I recently went to Skye and ignored the Fairy Pools hype. It was difficult and TIkTok tried to shame me with FOMO feelings, but resisting made me feel superior. We’ve got so many other good places in the city. There’s never a queue at bakeries including The Pastry Section, or Twelve Triangles, for example.

4 The buses are bananas right now. Full to the gunnels. Don’t ask the driver lots of questions, you can Google those before getting on. It tells you at the stop how much each journey costs and where the route goes. When you get on, don’t stand in the aisle while looking stunned and glaikit. Sit down. Put your wheelie suitcase in the rack. Don’t be a hog and put it on a seat. The number 35 is a bus to be avoided right now. Same goes for any of the ones that have been diverted along George Street while parts of Princes Street (sorry, Princess Street) are shut.

5 Go to Leith. It’s the best part of the city. We’re a bit sad about the trams, which usually stop down here but are currently corralled somewhere up near Haymarket. However, you can still get here by bus, cab, or on foot, and we have the best restaurants and bars - The Keelson, Barry Fish, Brown’s of Leith, Dogstar, et al. Also, excellent shops, like gift boutique Flux, witchy shop Portal, Pekoe Tea, Argonaut Books and other gems. The Royal Mile is overrated. It’s just ‘see you Jimmy’ hats and tins of Princess Diana shortbread.

6 Don’t tell everyone that you hated Edinburgh, because it was too busy. Did you think it was an undiscovered gem? Wrong. We’re actually too popular for our own good.

7 If you’re going to a fancy restaurant, bar or show (you know, like an Edinburgh International Festival thingie), dress up a wee bit. I know you’re on holiday and comfort is king, but it doesn’t have to be fannypacks, hoodies and hiking shoes all day long.

8 It shouldn’t take 15 minutes to take a picture, even if you are on Victoria Street, where lingering selfies seem to be obligatory. You will get photo-bombed. That will be moi in the background - you know, the old lady who squeezed past you on the Royal Mile earlier.

9 I was only joking about the Edinborzogian thing.

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