I had a totally bonkers weekend in the charming Scottish burgh of Moffat
The Soutars don’t have normal holidays
Last weekend was my mum’s 90th birthday outing.
The whole family - her two daughters, son-in-law, stepdaughter, and three grandchildren aged six to 14 - decamped to her hometown of Moffat for two nights.
Here are a few of the highlights and lowlights.
1. I very much enjoyed seeing my mum wearing her “Queen for a day” badge, along with a headband that had cardboard candles and “It’s my birthday!” written on it. Both were provided by my stepsister, along with helium balloons that now live with my mum until they finish deflating. Whenever a stranger wished her happy birthday, I said “but HOW did they know?”, and she always laughed, though I do think she’d genuinely forgotten she was wearing these celebratory items and was a bit baffled by the attention.
2. This is a lowlight, but one that I have to laugh about now, or I’d probably cry. Mum had to be given the Heimlich maneuver at her birthday dinner. She had chosen the duck, but appeared to have aspirated a chunk. She turned puce, didn’t seem to be able to breathe and was flapping her hand in a panic. I gave her a few feeble back thumps, as the staff and other diners looked on in shock or disinterest, I couldn’t decide which. Then, my no-nonsense stepsister got to her feet and administered the Heimlich. It seemed to work, though mum seemed more annoyed than relieved at having her life saved. “How is your meal?” said a staff member, as they breezed over, seemingly oblivious.
3. The journey from Edinburgh to Moffat should take 90 minutes. Except, 80 minutes into the drive, and just before the Devil’s Beef Tub, which mum was desperate to see, the road was blocked by a logging lorry. We had to go all the way back to Biggar and round again. The trip took over three hours.
4. I had to be the resident cockerel. As my mum didn’t have a clock, and the girls - twelve and fourteen - can’t possibly wake themselves, I had to procure master keys from the lovely cleaner every morning. Mum was easy. Her eyes were open whenever I came a-knocking. In contrast, the girls looked like a pair of squashed chicks, with peepers glued tight. I wondered if they dream in phone screens. One wakey-wakey was never enough to rouse this pair. Still, they both made it to breakfast eventually. I think it was the lure of the waffles.
5. We had a lovely time visiting mum’s childhood home. My sister had emailed the current owner to let her know we were coming. As her collie smelled all of our crotches in turn, she kindly gave us a tour, and my mum shared her stories, including one of a resident ghost that used to pester my grandmother every January. Sleep well.
6. We discovered the grumpiest chip shop in the whole of Scotland.
7. Moffat was looking lovely, though the pond pedalos aren’t currently operational. We found a wonderful little antiques shop up Well Street, which had a toy museum upstairs. My mum bought a packet of petunia seeds in the garden centre. Other retail options include the eccentric potter, who has been here for decades and tries to convert customers to Christianity. There’s also another potter, where they do not convert customers to anything, except for their wares. My husband bought a lovely espresso cup.
8. One of my highlights was singing in the car, all the way home, with my 12-year-old niece. I don’t know how we ended up on Video Killed the Radio Star by The Buggles, but we even did harmonies for the outro.
9. My sister is currently having chemo for breast cancer, and my stepsister is doing Slimming World. Before ordering anything, from smoked salmon to rare steak or a glass of wine, they’d both say, “I really shouldn’t be having this”, but would do it anyway. It became their catchphrase.
10. Last weekend’s column was about mum turning 90, and my stepsister presented her with a copy of Scotland on Sunday as a mother’s day gift. In the piece, among other things, I had outed my mum’s pork pie habit. I didn’t think she’d ever read it, to be honest, so I wasn’t trying to flatter. “You are a very naughty girl”, she said.
11. Mum got into our hired people carrier on the way to Moffat, and managed on the expeditions, but she couldn’t climb in on her way back. I tried to hoist her up,,but she just couldn’t reach the seat. In the end, my half sister, who lives in Glasgow, had to drive her home to Edinburgh. As my half sis was so distracted, she left the rest of mum’s birthday cake, made by my cheffing nephew, and its expensive ceramic container in the hotel fridge. She has to go back for it. At least we remembered the balloons.
12. The teenager managed to only say “this is heavy boring” about twice, which is a miracle.
13. There was the passive aggressive hotel staff member, who seemed to detest us. At one point, my stepsister asked for soy milk, and he said there was none left because “she’d drunk them dry”.
14. Sometimes the most bonkers weekends are also the best, though maybe we could’ve done without the Heimlich debacle.
Read more: “I took my family to their favourite Edinburgh restaurant, where the queue is still down the street”
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