I raced back to this Edinburgh department store but the coveted summer item was gone

It bubbles and roils until it must be the temperature of nuclear waste. You’re pretty sure that, if you spilled it, this liquid would frack right through the floor and leave a giant sugar-shaped hole like the ones in your molars.

Well, that’s how my blood felt, when I was taking a recent trip on an Edinburgh tram (before the Princes Street fire that ground them to a halt until August-time).

I was beyond scorchio. My eyes had dried out until they were two jangling raisins in the sockets, and my feet felt like foil-wrapped baked potatoes. You could have grown mushrooms in my dank armpits.

Do they have air conditioning on the trams? It certainly doesn’t feel like it, and, even sitting by the occasionally opening doors, I kept thinking “dogs die in hot cars”.

For some freakish reason, like canines, only my paws sweat. Well, maybe I do all over a little bit, but not enough to lower my temperature. My body is not really fit for purpose.

However, even I could feel myself beading up on this journey.

The buses aren’t much better on the hottest days, though at least you can sit by a window and there’s more space to move when the sun - why won’t it just stay STILL? - chases you from your seat.

It was while sweltering on public transport that I decided to purchase one of the John Lewis handheld fans that I’d seen in store the day before, but hadn’t bought, because I’d talked myself out of it, since Scotland is only really hot for about four days a year.

Also, I was in a hurry and couldn’t decide on a colour.

Since then, I’ve thought about how I really aspire to be one of those people who has everything in their bag, including a fan. You know, the ones with the sugar-free Polo mints, blister plasters, sanitiser, Allen key, hand wipes, actual cash, safety pins, Haribo, baked beans, sleeping bag, tampons, crampons and anything else one could need in a survival situation.

The folk who pass you a tissue - not just a square of bog roll - when you’re sniffing on the bus, and make you simultaneously hate them and love them in one fell swoop.

I want to be Mary Poppins, as opposed to Gaby Floppins.

I also want to learn how to adapt better to the heat, instead of flapping around in a panic and getting burnt and heat-stroked like every other Scottish person.

After all, global warming means our summers are only going to get hotter.

It’s already taken me half a century to get to grips with SPF and sunglasses, though you will never catch these squat little corned beef-hued legs in shorts.

However, now I plan to unlock level two - hats and fans - in my middle age. I haven’t yet found a hat that doesn’t make me feel as if I’m wearing fancy dress, but at least having that John Lewis gadget would help me achieve half of that goal.

I would choose the mint green one.

First, I read the online gadget reviews, because I enjoy doing that before making a purchase. They are very entertaining.

There’s one that says, “Not as good as the ones I normally buy”. I mean, how many fans does the average person own?

Another says; “Only turned on a few times because it was not to my liking,” and gave it one star. Harsh.

Henceforth, I plan to use the phrase “not to my liking” as often as possible. I do not need to give an explanation, because my liking is all that matters.

Another said, “My six-year-old described the four setting as a gust of wind,” and gave the gadget four stars. Much better. Gusts are good.

It also got lots of effusive praise. However, there were many people who complained that these fans were a bit noisy, even at the lowest setting, so I’m not sure I’d be able to use them in some of my hottest moments. Those are usually at the impending Edinburgh Festival Fringe, in some underground comedy dive.

In those situations, I am always grateful to the otherwise irritating Royal Mile student production flyer distributors, because I’ll discover a crumpled one in my bag, and be able to fan myself with that piece of paper.

I’d rather be using a proper gadget, though not if it sounds like an aircraft taking off. I don’t want to end up as much of an audience pariah as the rustler, or the tall person with the elaborate hairstyle.

Perhaps I should get a traditional folding fan, though I’m not keen on the Marie Antoinette vibe.

However, at least one four-star review was reassuring about the racket made by the John Lewis gadget. It says; “I really don't understand others complaining about the noise, unless you're in a nature reserve or a cemetery where it's very quiet, you don't even notice it.”

Okay, maybe it IS to my liking. I wasn’t really planning on using it in graveyards anyway, though I hadn’t ruled that out entirely.

So, I returned to John Lewis, but they were all gone. The shelf was completely barren. Looked online too, sold out.

It seems that I am doomed to swelter on public transport, and never be a Mary Poppins type.

A very hot Gaby Floppins it is.

Read more: “I had a frantic Saturday afternoon in Edinburgh's biggest department store”

Read more: “I found my favourite National Trust for Scotland property in this homely tenement gem”

Read more: “I once worked in a mysterious cupboard at The Scotsman's huge Edinburgh building”