Love Island is cringe. But here’s why I'm addicted

Firstly, it’s a break from the death, destruction, inhumanity, corruption and incompetence served up in my daily news fix that makes me despair. I try nature programmes, but the destruction of habitat by humans and our failure to tackle climate change, ditto.

Secondly, it’s on at the time my twentysomething daughter has designated mother/daughter time and she limits my viewing of the above. Plus we’ve watched The Last of Us (still not happy about the teaser ending…).

I’ve learnt to stop asking annoying questions like “why do they never swim in that pool?” (”turns bleached hair green”), “why don’t they read a book to pass the time?” (”who’d watch that?”) and “who does the cooking and cleaning for that handless, clarty bunch?” (”OMG”).

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‘Pulling for a chat’

Thirdly, for a people watcher, the Love Islanders are as good as any other bunch of randoms, apart from not being random. They’re identikit – slim, symmetrical – maybe more diversity would be more interesting/representative, although that might not shift as much product.

Fourthly, it keeps me up to date with current etiquette. I now understand the arcane differences between ‘pulling for a chat’, ‘talking’, ‘closed off’, ‘exclusive’, with the pinnacle being ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’, despite a ‘couple’ having spent two months sharing a bed. OK.

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Fifthly I enjoy wondering idly (and silently) if ignorance about the difference between avocados and limes, how to scramble eggs and the meaning of ‘compatible’ is commonplace and the effect of Covid home schooling.

Also, how gullible are people to chat-up spraff? “You look hot”, “I’ve never felt like this about anyone” and “I don’t like him/her, I’m all about you”. Really? Actions, not words, people. Turn the sound down – might as well – and see who’s chasing who.

Remarkably tolerant

This season it’s the TikTokers providing the parody, serving ‘the tea’ in snippets, such as Bombshell Lucy’s leaked voice-note intention of stealing Tommy. Also refreshing is the contestants’ abandonment of the need to appear honourable or nice. Out to get what they want, they steal another’s ‘girl’/’boy’ whatever the fallout, because “that’s what we’re here for”. Unpopular? More air time. Be kind? So 2020.

In fact, they’re remarkably tolerant. How many times has Teflon Helena said “oh god, that’s just Harry” as he ‘chats’ to other women and asks if they’re wearing underwear. Points also for tolerating his Speedos.

I say tolerant, but refusal to be ‘pulled for a chat’ to deliver an ‘I’m sorry if what I did upset you or made you feel disrespected’ non-apology results in the opprobrium heaped on a Jane Austen Regency dance-floor dandy for failing to return a heroine to her chaperone post quadrille.

Pity the hangry Dejon, who just wanted to eat pasta in peace, shamed into non-apologising to viewer favourite Yasmin, whose top quality is perfect posture – “it’s the pilates”.

Why watch Love Island? Because reality on TV is sometimes too hard to watch.