'Be nice to Glasgow': 11 New Year's Resolutions for the City of Edinburgh
Stephen Jardine proposes Edinburgh should resolve to create a scaffolding museum, allow no more new restaurants and introduce a ban on anyone with a social media account using Circus Lane
We always start with good intentions. From getting fit to drinking less and eating better, January arrives with a blizzard of hope and determination. However three days in, the biscuit tin beckons and that bottle of Baileys won’t empty itself.
January would be so much simpler if we weren’t at the whim of personal weakness and temptation. So in the spirit of seasonal positivity, I wonder what the city of Edinburgh’s New Year resolutions would be if it was able to decide its own priorities for the year ahead?
For starters, how about being nicer to Glasgow? It’s been a tough few years for the city at the other end of the M8. Separated by just 47 miles, let’s send some love and a few more tourists west.
Get used to W hotel
We need to cut down on eating and drinking so no new restaurant openings in 2026. We’ve got enough already, in fact many more than we need which is why they keep closing. Same goes for coffee shops. And artisan bakeries selling £5 croissants.
Help poor old Princes Street to open a shop people might actually want to visit. And not just to buy vapes.
Stop laughing at the W hotel building. It’s not going away and it’s not going to get any better so, like a massive zit on the face of a much-loved child, let’s get used to it.
Punish anyone who exits a Lothian bus without thanking the driver by forcing them to listen to Dido song “Thank You” on a loop for an hour or until they go insane. Whichever is shortest.
Shut Circus Lane to anyone with a social media account. From now on, it can only be accessed by people going from Stockbridge to the New Town. Anyone in a floaty dress making content for TikTok can instead embrace the quite revolutionary idea of filming somewhere different rather than a street already shared over a million times (I checked the number so you don’t have to).
Angry men in lycra
Turn the old G&V hotel on the corner of Edinburgh's Royal Mile and George IV Bridge into a Museum of Scaffolding. It’s been a plastic-wrapped eyesore for so long, some of the poles and boards must date back to the construction of the New Town.
Let’s embrace the ineptitude and make it an international centre for scaffolding studies. Given the location, it could also host an annual international festival where scaffolders from around the world would flock to admire the transoms, couplers and complete disregard for pedestrians.
Introduce stiff penalties for angry men in lycra who take to shared paths on bikes costing more than they earn. If they ring their stupid little bells in an aggressive fashion at pedestrians or dog walkers, they will be forced to switch to one of the council’s heavier-than-an-elephant Voi rental bikes instead for a month. That should sort them out.
Train traffic wardens to also be Community Champions. Five minutes in every hour will be spent handing out tickets, the rest of the time they will be picking up litter, offering directions and helping old people across the road.
All of the above might seem ambitious but, let’s be honest, on January 3 any or all of them look more achievable than getting results from that gym membership.
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