How 'Chreaster Eggs' reveal supermarkets' brilliant plan to sell us more stuff

Social media will go into overdrive, a campaign will be started and someone from the council will say it has all been a huge misunderstanding. Meanwhile we will sing carols, exchange gifts and eat too much, exactly the same as we do every year.

That’s the thing about our greatest celebration of the year, call it what you want but the essential ingredients don’t have to change.

‘More delicate flavour profile’

Unless you are our ever-greedy supermarkets. This year Aldi has launched a range of hollow chocolate eggs aimed at the Christmas market because we don’t all have quite enough to eat in the month when the average adult gains one to two pounds. To make matters worse, they’ve even called them Chreaster Eggs.

Since it’s almost that time of year, let’s give Aldi the benefit of the doubt on this. Presumably their Easter egg supplier produced far too many by mistake and someone in marketing spotted the sell-by date is December 31 and came up with a plan to save the day.

Kudos also to Marks & Spencer who have produced a white mulled wine for Christmas this year. According to their product development team, “it’s lighter, fruitier notes will appeal to those who prefer a more delicate flavour profile”.

The origins of mulled wine can be traced back to the 2nd century when the Romans would heat red wine as protection against the cold in the depths of winter. And so it has been for a thousand-plus years until M&S decided it needed a makeover.

Presumably the target market for this are the semi-teetotal young who find red wine ‘a bit boozy’. I’ve got a better solution for them. Fill a saucepan from the tap, add nutmeg, cinnamon and cloves and heat gently. Hey presto, mulled water – no hangover and zero calories. If an Instagram influencer isn’t pushing this by December, then I’ll eat five Chreaster Eggs.

Less food waste

In their constant struggle to sell us more stuff, the big retailers seem to have come up with a brilliant plan. Instead of starting and stopping production to fit the seasons, let’s just change the label and flog us the same stuff all year.

If we can eat strawberries from Portugal in January and Perthshire in July, then why not Easter at Christmas? For a start, it would cut down on waste with no more jars of mincemeat reduced to half price in January. We’d just repurpose it for February as Valentine’s Jam... “as sweet as the one you love”.

In this age of cancel culture, hot cross buns could be something you buy for someone who has annoyed you and caused offence.

And the biggest challenge of all is reaching maturity in the fields of Scotland right now. Almost every Brussel sprout in the land is eaten on December 25. Any supermarket that can find someone willing to buy them the rest of the year deserves every retail award in the land.