Edward Kane and The Voice of the Spider. Chapter 8: What Have I Missed Here?

‘About not being creative, and such.’

Kane shook his head, then sipped from his coffee cup: ‘Then we will have to agree to disagree, my friend.’

Collins held up his hand: ‘Do not misunderstand me, Edward. But you seem to have equiparated being creative with an act of fiction.’

Kane frowned: ‘And?’

‘Think it through, my friend. Not all creativity is fictional.’

‘I’m afraid that…’

‘No, no – Edward – hear me out. Take my cook for example…’

Kane gave an involuntary laugh: ‘I wish I could, Collins. At the moment, my “cook” is a veteran of Waterloo’.

Collins chuckled and continued: ‘…and my cook, my Mrs Culshaw. I often think that she is more Artist than Cook.’

Kane laughed: ‘A veritable Rembrandt of the Roast Beef…’

Collins reciprocated the laugh: ‘A Poet of the Pantry…a Wordsworth of the…of the…’ (in truth, Collins was stumped for alliteration.) Kane helped him: ‘“A Wordsworth of the Welsh Rarebit”’?’

The friends laughed again. Collins continued: ‘Creation does not always mean fiction, Edward. Our Mrs Culshaw stands in that kitchen and makes good use of the existing ingredients – very real ingredients – at her disposal to create a delicious dinner. And that is what you require to do here.’

‘I am not sure that cooking…’

Collins was mock-stern now: ‘Edward! Get into that kitchen! Re-assemble the ingredients of your case. And present that tasty morsel to the judge. Your job as an Advocate is to make your proposition mouth-watering!’

Kane leaned back in his chair and thought to himself: Mouth-watering?? This case?? Where the lady has absolutely no right to ask for what she’s asking for? The remedy that the client seeks is not mouth-watering – it is eye-watering….

​****

The problem with some judges is that when they get bored, they get extremely cranky. Or they get mischievous. Sometimes both. Another problem with this case is that, on the day of the court hearing, Edward Kane found himself in front of a bored judge. Despite having taken Collins’ advice and having prepared the submission into as delectable dish as possible, it came as no surprise to Kane that he was now the one being roasted on the spit.

The judge – Lord Minto – was tapping his index finger on his temple, as if inviting his brains to answer the door. ‘You will forgive me, Mr Kane. I don’t…I don’t…understand your motion. What have I missed here?’

‘Um…nothing, my lord. The court has missed…nothing….’

Lord Minto (biting his thumb now) summarised the submissions he had just heard: ‘So – an old lady…’ he looked over and addressed Lady Carmunnock, sitting – glowing in her unghappiness – in the public gallery, ‘…I mean no disrespect, madam, but – beyond peradventure – you would be an extremely…mature… parent of a first child…’

Kane gave a nervous wee laugh: ‘I suppose that there is Biblical precedent, my lord. Sarah in the Bible. Wife of Abraham. Gave birth at 90…’

The judge had his head in his hands now. ‘But that was a miracle, Mr Kane…comparable to your prospects of winning this case....’

Lord Minto looked at the papers again: ‘The lady here seeks custody of the child because it would be conducive to “the welfare of the child”. Mr Kane – what does “welfare of the child” have to do with the price of fish?’

‘Welfare is…it is…’

‘Entirely irrelevant?’

Kane bowed: ‘Yes, my lord.’

Lord Minto waved the papers before him: ‘Of course it is. This notion of the child’s welfare. Balderdash. The real question here is whether or not the father wishes to relinquish – somehow – his Patria Potestas. Am I wrong, Mr Kane?’

‘My lord is not wrong.’

The judge leaned forward: ‘So – where is the father today?’

‘The father?’

‘The possible contradictor to this lady’s motion for interim custody? You know – the father of the child? Does he even know about this idiotic motion?’

‘I understand that it has been served on him, my lord.’

‘And?’

Kane looked at his papers: ‘There has been no response.’

Minto sat back in his chair and tapped his fingers on his lips: ‘But, can he read, Mr Kane?’

‘Um…’

The judge pressed on: ‘I have studied the papers, sir. The father in your hopeless case. He is a foreman in a glassworks, not a university professor.’ He glared at Kane: ‘Can the father read or not?’

‘In truth, my lord, I have no idea.’

The judge, with a wave of the hand: ‘Ask your agent.’

Kane turned behind him to ask the solicitor. A short consultation with Blane. The Advocate turned back to the speak to the judge again, Kane’s face appreciably more pale: ‘I understand that it is possible, in fact, that the father cannot read to any great extent. However, I can confirm that he can write.’

The judge groaned: ‘As if this case wasn’t confusing enough…’

‘I understand that he requires to sign for certain deliveries and such.’

Minto sat back in his chair and began to tug at his ear: ‘So. This is a case where the applicant has no standing, and she serves notice in writing to a man she thinks can’t read.’

‘It would appear so, my lord.’

Minto leant forward in his seat and began to stare at the bench where Kane was standing. He sat back again: ‘I apologise, Mr Kane, I was just checking to see if you possessed any more ridiculous straws you wished to grasp.’

Kane sighed: ‘Unless I can be of any further assistance to the court…’ and sat down.

The judge closed his eyes as he spoke: ‘What I am going to do, Mr Kane, is to continue your motion for seven days. And when we return after those seven days, I expect to be addressed on the legal position on the old lady (whose position – on the face of it – I would suggest has not been statable since around 450 B.C.). I also expect the father in the case to be present here in court or to be represented on that day.’

Kane stood up: ‘But, my lord…’

‘Sit down, Kane. I have made my decision. If the father is not here on that date, then your motion will be refused simpliciter.

The judge stood up.

The Macer yelled: ‘Court rise!’

Tomorrow in The Scotsman: I Was Caned at School

Edward Kane and Mr Horse: Volume II of the Collected Short Stories. Available from Amazon and Kindle